All Joy and No Fun
Why parents hate parenting
By Jennifer Senior
In All Joy and No Fun the author Jennifer Senior discusses parenting and how those with children are sometimes more likely to be less happy. She wonders why people are still having babies. Studies that have been done show that parents would prefer to prepare food, watch TV, exercise, talk on the phone, nap, shop and do house work than parent their children. The author describes an episode she had with her 2-year-old son. He broke part of the wooden parking garage she had spent an hour assembling that morning. As she began to fix the broken wooden parking garage her son became impatient and stared throwing its parts at the wall. Just moments before this episode she had been in a state of bliss with her son now nerves guided her. She wonders why most of us choose to be parents. She states that most of us would say we’d be miserable without our children.
Senior says that the idea that parents are less happy than non-parents has become a commonplace in academia. Studies show that if you have more than 1 child there is more of a negative impact on parents.
The author also discusses those people who wait to have children later on in life. These people have spent their adult lives as professionals, thinking there is a right way and a wrong way of doing things. They try the same logic with their children and it doesn’t seem to work as well that becomes frustrating for the parents. Parents today strive for perfection when it comes to their kids, which puts much more pressure on them. Years ago it was ok to have less than perfect kids.
The author goes on to ask the question why do people continue to have children if it makes them unhappy. She writes about a study done by Tom Gilovich, a psychologist at Cornell, who after 20 years follows up with the men and women from his Terman study, he collected information from high-IQ students from California who were singled out for a life of greatness. Not one told him of regretting having children, but ten told him they regretted not having a family.
I have to say I agree with the author on many points. It is very difficult to parent a child I have a 4-year-old daughter who already knows how to push my buttons. I had my daughter at the age of 36 and at first had a difficult time adjusting to this new world and at times wondered if I had what it takes to be a good parent. I loved being a mother but was unsure of my ability to parent well. As time went on I learned how to go with the flow. Before having my daughter I was a professional women in charge of several employees and I was used to things being black and white, right or wrong I was not used to having gray or uncertain areas. I was naive to think that my little child would
Listen to me without questioning me, boy was I wrong. Prior to having my child I thought I was the best parent after having my daughter I now know that I am a work in progress.
I know that having my daughter was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. No matter the obstacles I encounter she is the love of my life. I knew that the moment she arrived and I am even more certain of it today.
Having children is a blessing but we must not kid ourselves in to thinking that it isn’t hard work because it is. I have to disagree with the author that those with children are most likely to be unhappy. I know in my circle of friends we are delighted to be parents and wouldn’t have it any other way.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Ethnography- Portuguese Family- Final Draft
I have decided to do my ethnography on what I would describe as a typical Portuguese family. The family I choose to observe is my husband and his 9 siblings and their families; my husband has four sisters and six brothers. Six of the siblings live in Fall River one lives in Florida two live in North Carolina and the remaining one lives in
Sao Jorge Acores located in Portugal. This summer they all gathered in Fall River for their summer vacation.
A very important component in the gatherings with my sister in laws and brother in laws and their families always consists of having a large dinner. Each sibling has a turn in inviting the family to their homes. A dinner usually consists of a large variety of fish, chicken, pork; meat and potatoes, vegetables usually do not play a part in the dinner. Of course a watermelon is a must to finish off the meal. Rule of thumb is always leave a little room for desert with coffee. Drinking is also an important part in the celebration; the men’s choice of beverage is usually wine or beer women tend to drink wine coolers or soda. Women drinking alcohol is frowned upon in the Portuguese community. Some of the women do occasionally have an alcoholic beverage.
As I sat back and listened to the conversations that were occurring it was fascinating to hear the differences in conversations between the men and women. The men gather in one corner of the room and the women usually gather around the kitchen table. The conversations vary as well. It was interesting to observe the direction the conversation went in as the men continued to drink. Disagreements became greater especially when the topic of politics came in to play. Most of the men in the family are democrats just few are republicans. The democrat’s went on about how satisfied they are with our current administration and believe they are doing a very good job; they were not interested in hearing any thing contrary to their opinion. The republicans are adamant that the current administration is not doing enough to create jobs, help businesses grow and they believe this administration is not doing enough to trim down the deficit. The hottest topic on politics was health care. The democrats are excited with the new health care reform bill. The republicans believe it will destroy what is so great about the United States, which in their opinion is freedom of choice. As the bottles of wine emptied the level of conversation deepened and the volume in the room increased. The men eventually realize that they will never agree on the topic of politics and at the end of the conversation they agreed to disagree and move on to another topic. The women’s conversations were much more tranquil, they discussed their children, family, fashion and the weather. The conversation stayed friendly and no disagreements or arguing occurred.
While the men continue to converse the women gather together and begin to clean up after dinner. They wash and dry dishes and make certain that everything has been cleaned and put away.
The following days schedule is the same as the previous day. The family gathers at another siblings house for dinner. The dinner would be similar to what we had the previous day except someone else would have prepared it. Conversations would be similar to the conversations that took place the day before. We continue this schedule until all the siblings living in the area are visited.
It is interesting to note that the women spend the night before a gathering preparing for the meal for the next day, which usually consists of several hours over a hot stove. The men’s responsibility is to make sure there are enough beverages for the gathering.
There are about 30 nieces and nephews in the family. Many of them attended the family functions this summer. The age group ranges from 32 years old too as young as 4 years old. Regardless of the age differences the children got along very well with each other. I watched them play ball, cards and videogames. It’s interesting to note that no arguments occurred amongst the children in the family. The conversations were friendly and there were smiles on the children’s faces as they interacted with each other and the adults.
In my experience a typical Portuguese family gathering always incorporates food into to what ever they do. Eating a good meal with family, there is nothing better than that. I do take issue with the women having to do most of the preparation for the dinner. That’s a part of the culture that I struggle with. But what I do love about the Portuguese culture is their bond. Most Portuguese families have an abundance of love for each other and they are very forgiving. Family is the center of everything and the most important aspect of life. No matter the disagreement they truly believe this too shall pass and the bond shall not be broken.
Sao Jorge Acores located in Portugal. This summer they all gathered in Fall River for their summer vacation.
A very important component in the gatherings with my sister in laws and brother in laws and their families always consists of having a large dinner. Each sibling has a turn in inviting the family to their homes. A dinner usually consists of a large variety of fish, chicken, pork; meat and potatoes, vegetables usually do not play a part in the dinner. Of course a watermelon is a must to finish off the meal. Rule of thumb is always leave a little room for desert with coffee. Drinking is also an important part in the celebration; the men’s choice of beverage is usually wine or beer women tend to drink wine coolers or soda. Women drinking alcohol is frowned upon in the Portuguese community. Some of the women do occasionally have an alcoholic beverage.
As I sat back and listened to the conversations that were occurring it was fascinating to hear the differences in conversations between the men and women. The men gather in one corner of the room and the women usually gather around the kitchen table. The conversations vary as well. It was interesting to observe the direction the conversation went in as the men continued to drink. Disagreements became greater especially when the topic of politics came in to play. Most of the men in the family are democrats just few are republicans. The democrat’s went on about how satisfied they are with our current administration and believe they are doing a very good job; they were not interested in hearing any thing contrary to their opinion. The republicans are adamant that the current administration is not doing enough to create jobs, help businesses grow and they believe this administration is not doing enough to trim down the deficit. The hottest topic on politics was health care. The democrats are excited with the new health care reform bill. The republicans believe it will destroy what is so great about the United States, which in their opinion is freedom of choice. As the bottles of wine emptied the level of conversation deepened and the volume in the room increased. The men eventually realize that they will never agree on the topic of politics and at the end of the conversation they agreed to disagree and move on to another topic. The women’s conversations were much more tranquil, they discussed their children, family, fashion and the weather. The conversation stayed friendly and no disagreements or arguing occurred.
While the men continue to converse the women gather together and begin to clean up after dinner. They wash and dry dishes and make certain that everything has been cleaned and put away.
The following days schedule is the same as the previous day. The family gathers at another siblings house for dinner. The dinner would be similar to what we had the previous day except someone else would have prepared it. Conversations would be similar to the conversations that took place the day before. We continue this schedule until all the siblings living in the area are visited.
It is interesting to note that the women spend the night before a gathering preparing for the meal for the next day, which usually consists of several hours over a hot stove. The men’s responsibility is to make sure there are enough beverages for the gathering.
There are about 30 nieces and nephews in the family. Many of them attended the family functions this summer. The age group ranges from 32 years old too as young as 4 years old. Regardless of the age differences the children got along very well with each other. I watched them play ball, cards and videogames. It’s interesting to note that no arguments occurred amongst the children in the family. The conversations were friendly and there were smiles on the children’s faces as they interacted with each other and the adults.
In my experience a typical Portuguese family gathering always incorporates food into to what ever they do. Eating a good meal with family, there is nothing better than that. I do take issue with the women having to do most of the preparation for the dinner. That’s a part of the culture that I struggle with. But what I do love about the Portuguese culture is their bond. Most Portuguese families have an abundance of love for each other and they are very forgiving. Family is the center of everything and the most important aspect of life. No matter the disagreement they truly believe this too shall pass and the bond shall not be broken.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Ethnography - My husband and his siblings
I have decided to do my ethnography on my husband and his 9 siblings; there are 4 females and 6 males. Six of the siblings live in Fall River one lives in Florida two live in
North Carolina and the remaining one lives in Portugal. This summer they all gathered in Fall River for their summer vacation. They are what you would call a typical Portuguese family many of the families from my in-laws generation had ten children or more. I have always been fascinated with my husband’s family. They seem to get along quite well despite several of them living miles apart.
I observed my husbands family interacting with each other this week and realized that the bond between all of them was quite remarkable. Imagine having 10 different opinions in one room sometimes the volume in the room went quite high depending on the topic of the day. Some times arguments did occur but at the end of every conversation no one seemed to stay mad they expressed their opinion and moved on.
A very important component in the gatherings with my sister in laws and brother in laws consists of having a large dinner. The dinner includes a variety of chicken, fish, meat and much more. Of course drinking is also included in the gathering. And as the eating and drinking progresses so does the conversations. Politics also seems to be a conversation that comes up and what I observed was that 98% of my sister in laws and brother in laws are democrats. The conversations that transpires on the topic of politics is rather interesting.
I will continue to observe my husband and his siblings for the remainder of this week and I will add to my ethnography.
North Carolina and the remaining one lives in Portugal. This summer they all gathered in Fall River for their summer vacation. They are what you would call a typical Portuguese family many of the families from my in-laws generation had ten children or more. I have always been fascinated with my husband’s family. They seem to get along quite well despite several of them living miles apart.
I observed my husbands family interacting with each other this week and realized that the bond between all of them was quite remarkable. Imagine having 10 different opinions in one room sometimes the volume in the room went quite high depending on the topic of the day. Some times arguments did occur but at the end of every conversation no one seemed to stay mad they expressed their opinion and moved on.
A very important component in the gatherings with my sister in laws and brother in laws consists of having a large dinner. The dinner includes a variety of chicken, fish, meat and much more. Of course drinking is also included in the gathering. And as the eating and drinking progresses so does the conversations. Politics also seems to be a conversation that comes up and what I observed was that 98% of my sister in laws and brother in laws are democrats. The conversations that transpires on the topic of politics is rather interesting.
I will continue to observe my husband and his siblings for the remainder of this week and I will add to my ethnography.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Personal Essay - Final Draft
At the age of 23 life as I new it changed forever. My life took a turn that I would never have predicted. My mother passed away on June 27, 1993. My father passed away on August 24, 1993. Within 2 months I lost the most important people in my life. I was a single girl living with my parents expecting them to be there for me forever. In the blink of an eye my security had vanished and I had to grow up and be responsible for myself. Something I was not quite equipped to do at the time, but learned quickly.
It was very difficult to get my act together after the death of my parents I became very bitter with God. I wondered what did I do to deserve to lose both my parents. Bitter turned into anger and anger turned to sadness. Sadness lingered on for 13 years.
The age of 36 was a turning point in my life, that’s the age that I began to live again. Prior to 36 I was going through the motions of living but I wasn’t living at all. I went numb inside for many years. I forgot how to love, forgot how to live. I lost all passion for life. Sure life was bearable I had a rewarding job a loving husband. I was traveling often to beautiful and exotic places. But I was not truly enjoying the experience. I was living a great life if you were witnessing my experiences as an outsider. If only you could see the black cloud in my heart. I was a good actress, everyone thought life was good for Margaret. But little did anyone know that I was just going through the motions but feeling empty. Void of any emotion. Often wondering what is my purpose in life. Where did that happy person drift too? The laughter seemed to go away the happiness disappeared. Where did that girl who enjoyed being with friends and family having fun disappear to? She no longer existed. That girl had been gone for about 13 years.
At 36 my old self was beginning to emerge. I started to live again. The smile that was missing from my face reappeared. Why was 36 such a pivotal time in my life. What happened at the age of 36 was I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 6 pounds 5 ounces 19 inches long. She has big beautiful blue eyes. The smoothest baby skin I had every felt. I believe she was a gift from God. An angel sent to help me begin living again. The moment my baby girl was placed in my arms was the moment I felt the black cloud that was ever so present in my heart begin to lessen. I was experiencing feeling’s that had been absent in my life for quite some time.
Let me tell you about Morgan my daughter, she is four years old and the love of my life. She is the happiest child I have ever met, she loves to play, laugh and likes to give you hugs and kisses, she is a loving child with a wonderful sense of humor. Morgan has so much energy that some times its hard to keep up with her and at the end of the day I am exhausted. I wouldn’t give up having her in my life for anything in the world. I have loved every stage of my daughter’s life. When she was a newborn I loved to hold her in my arms and provide her with all the love and care taking that she needed. I will never forget the first time I heard her say mommy tears came to my eyes. At the age of one she began to walk. I was amazed how this little child could just one day stand up and walk. She continues to amaze me on a daily basis. Now my baby girl is four years old. What I love about this age is that mommy can do no wrong. In my daughters eyes I am the most amazing and intelligent person in her life. She loves me unconditionally and that feels good. Morgan will be attending preschool in September. Where does the time go?
I realize that I am a very blessed person; I have a wonderful husband an amazing daughter, great friends and family. I do love life and enjoy living. Everyone has tragedies, heartaches and battles in their lives and I hope that everyone can work through them and begin living, laughing and loving again. Having my baby girl in my life made me realize that there was more living that I needed to do and there were people in my life that still needed me to live. I will never forget my mother and father; I miss them terribly each and every day. I know that I need to live and live happy. I no longer have the black cloud in my heart.
It was very difficult to get my act together after the death of my parents I became very bitter with God. I wondered what did I do to deserve to lose both my parents. Bitter turned into anger and anger turned to sadness. Sadness lingered on for 13 years.
The age of 36 was a turning point in my life, that’s the age that I began to live again. Prior to 36 I was going through the motions of living but I wasn’t living at all. I went numb inside for many years. I forgot how to love, forgot how to live. I lost all passion for life. Sure life was bearable I had a rewarding job a loving husband. I was traveling often to beautiful and exotic places. But I was not truly enjoying the experience. I was living a great life if you were witnessing my experiences as an outsider. If only you could see the black cloud in my heart. I was a good actress, everyone thought life was good for Margaret. But little did anyone know that I was just going through the motions but feeling empty. Void of any emotion. Often wondering what is my purpose in life. Where did that happy person drift too? The laughter seemed to go away the happiness disappeared. Where did that girl who enjoyed being with friends and family having fun disappear to? She no longer existed. That girl had been gone for about 13 years.
At 36 my old self was beginning to emerge. I started to live again. The smile that was missing from my face reappeared. Why was 36 such a pivotal time in my life. What happened at the age of 36 was I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 6 pounds 5 ounces 19 inches long. She has big beautiful blue eyes. The smoothest baby skin I had every felt. I believe she was a gift from God. An angel sent to help me begin living again. The moment my baby girl was placed in my arms was the moment I felt the black cloud that was ever so present in my heart begin to lessen. I was experiencing feeling’s that had been absent in my life for quite some time.
Let me tell you about Morgan my daughter, she is four years old and the love of my life. She is the happiest child I have ever met, she loves to play, laugh and likes to give you hugs and kisses, she is a loving child with a wonderful sense of humor. Morgan has so much energy that some times its hard to keep up with her and at the end of the day I am exhausted. I wouldn’t give up having her in my life for anything in the world. I have loved every stage of my daughter’s life. When she was a newborn I loved to hold her in my arms and provide her with all the love and care taking that she needed. I will never forget the first time I heard her say mommy tears came to my eyes. At the age of one she began to walk. I was amazed how this little child could just one day stand up and walk. She continues to amaze me on a daily basis. Now my baby girl is four years old. What I love about this age is that mommy can do no wrong. In my daughters eyes I am the most amazing and intelligent person in her life. She loves me unconditionally and that feels good. Morgan will be attending preschool in September. Where does the time go?
I realize that I am a very blessed person; I have a wonderful husband an amazing daughter, great friends and family. I do love life and enjoy living. Everyone has tragedies, heartaches and battles in their lives and I hope that everyone can work through them and begin living, laughing and loving again. Having my baby girl in my life made me realize that there was more living that I needed to do and there were people in my life that still needed me to live. I will never forget my mother and father; I miss them terribly each and every day. I know that I need to live and live happy. I no longer have the black cloud in my heart.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)